Detective Heavy on the Case
by Teddster
Summary: 'Oh my GOD! WHO TOUCHED SASHA?" It took a moment for the mercenaries to realize they were doomed.'


**RED Base**

They were lazily wasting time in the rec room when the sentence was uttered.

Everyone seemed to be in the room, minus the Spy - as usual. The Scout and Pyro took up a couch, conversing - more accurately the Scout was letting out a tirade of words that no one could comprehend while ignoring the Pyro's low mumbles. The Heavy, with his large minigun setup on a table, lazily listened to the Medic's and Engineer's smart-guy-conversation, frowning lightly, while the Demoman fluttered in and out of consciousness, occasionally taking a swig from his scrumpy. The Sniper leaned back in a chair, reading and trying to forget his teammates' existence.

Suddenly the Heavy gasped loudly, pushing upwards and slamming his fists into the table, startling everyone in the room. A look of dismay crossed his face, and he said, "Oh my _GOD!_ _WHO TOUCHED SASHA?_"

It took a moment for the mercenaries to realize they were doomed.

The mercenaries in the room panicked; the Medic and Scout chose to retreat(/abandon their teammates), the Medic stammering responses as he hurried towards one door and the Scout sprinting towards another.

An angry Heavy is not a pleasant Heavy, even if that Heavy wore your own colors. An angry Heavy also did not listen to reason very well.

The Heavy screamed, lunging forward and grabbing the Medic's coat. In a maneuver that surprised the mercs to no end, the Heavy turned quickly, leaping towards the Scout with the Medic still in one hand; he snatched the runner's shirt and tossed the Scout and Medic into the Pyro awkwardly. Then he stalked over to one door and shut it, locking it and proclaiming, "No one leaves until I find out who did it." He glared at all of the mercenaries in the room.

The Heavy crossed his arms and took up a sentry position in the middle of both doors, watching angrily as the mercenaries formed a huddle to figure out who had the death wish in their team.

The Scout and Medic were the first suspects; the Demoman pointed this out with a "It was ye, wasn't it, lad?", pointing directly at the wall to the side. He probably meant the Scout, though. It's the thought that counts.

"Woah fuck guys, no way, I ain't stupid or anythin'," the Scout defended quickly. The team stared at him. "I MIGHT'VE TOUCHED THE GUN ONCE A WHILE AGO TO MESS WITH THE GUY-"

"Seven times, to be exact," the Medic offered.

"SHUT UP, DOC," the Scout hurried on, "BUT I LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES!"

"Only if you make them seven times, though?" the Sniper mumbled.

"Hey shut the fuck up, Snipes, you're the one that accidentally dropped your piss jar on his sandwich that one time!"

"Shh, he still doesn't know about that," the Sniper whispered, face white.

"Anyways it's probably the Medic anyways," the Scout said, ignoring the Medic's cry of protest, "probably jealous of the damn thing, damn fag," he added in a sneer.

"EXCUSE ME!" the Medic yelled, then paused, looking back. The Heavy returned his glance with a raised eyebrow and a motion to hurry up. Quieter, he continued with, "I have no such relationship vith zhe Heavy-"

"Riiiight," the Demoman mumbled, taking another swig of scrumpy.

"-and besides, if I vanted to fiddle wizh zhe Heavy's gun, I would simply frame the Sniper."

The Medic paused, eyes widening at the glares from the Sniper and the rest of the team. "Vell, vhat I meant was-"

"Well, throwing the Sniper under the bus isn't a bad idea," the Soldier realized.

"Wot?!"

"Yeah good point!" the Scout realized. He stood up and loudly declared, "It was the fuckin' Sniper, yo!"

The Heavy's eyes filled with rage and he started to march forward.

"Wot- this is wot I get for puttin' out all of ya when you're on fire?!" the Sniper said, face whitening.

"Then maybe don't do it with bloody _piss_!" the Demoman declared, grabbing the Sniper and shoving him towards the Heavy. The Sniper stumbled, glancing at the faces around him in panic. Most of the mercs avoided his gaze; the Engineer had the decency to look ashamed.

The Heavy grabbed the Sniper, causing the man to let out an unmanly yelp as the Russian bear lifted him into the air. The Heavy brought the Sniper's face to his, scowling, and said, "Did you touch my gun?"

"I didn-"

"DO NOT LIE TO ME, LEETLE MAN!" the Heavy screamed, shaking the Sniper. The Australian shook, dispensing some jarate as he hesitantly said, "I didn't!"

The Heavy scowled. "Then who?" he asked.

"Was-" The grip around him shifted, tightening over his throat. "-probably the Medic?" he offered.

The Heavy tossed the Sniper to the side, trembling with rage and quietly said, "Doctor?"

"I have done _no such thing_!" the Medic quickly defended as the large Russian advanced upon him.

"Hey why's it matter-" the Scout cut off as the Heavy turned towards him and hurried on. "I mean maybe the Spy or someone or somethin' _OH GOD DON'T KILL ME!_"

Heavy tossed the Scout into the table - careful not to upset his minigun - and wrapped his thick hands around the Scout's neck, throttling him. "IT WAS YOU, WASN'T IT, LEETLE SCOUT?"

"OH GOD I SWEAR IT WASN'T ME OH GOD SOMEONE HELP!" was the Scout's reply.

The Heavy screamed as the Soldier and Pyro hurriedly tried to pry the Heavy's hands away from the poor man. Engineer joined in a second later, using his mechanical hand to his advantage, and the Demoman took that moment to leap onto the Heavy's back and start bashing him with his bottle as the Medic and Sniper quietly egged them on.

"Zhere are security tapes, you know."

All of the mercs paused, turning to look at the Spy leaning against the now-open doorway, casually smoking a cigarette. He pointed upwards, at the very large and very obvious camera in the top corner with a very bright red light.

The Heavy straightened, casually tossing all of the mercs off and grabbed the Scout's ankle, slinging him over his shoulder. "Show me."

A short timeskip later they were reviewing the security tapes.

They skipped through a bit of boring non-action and the Soldier and Demoman beating each other to death once and eventually stopped at a point where only the Heavy was in the room, with his minigun spread out over the table.

The Heavy stood, starting towards the door and stopped, turning back to his gun and pausing for a moment. He said, "It will only be a moment, Sasha. Do not worry," and left, casting a last worried glance at his minigun before leaving.

A short moment later the other door opened, and the unmistakable form of the BLU Spy tiptoed in, holding a hand up to his mouth to suppress his short bursts of laughter. He finally stopped at the table and, taking a glance around, tapped the minigun lightly. Suddenly he burst into muffled laughter, shoulders shaking as he quietly made his way out.

A few minutes later the other mercs began to trickle in, followed by the Heavy, who went to examine his gun.

"Holy shit I was right," the Scout said suddenly. The Heavy's head snapped up, nostrils flaring, and he screamed, "_I WILL CRUSH BABY BLU TEAM!"_

He roared, rushing off, and the Engineer examined the new Heavy-shaped hole in the wall with distaste. Lights flashed on in the opposite, stone base, and they could hear muffled screams. The Scout and Pyro watched through the new hole with interest as the BLU Sniper was tossed from a window and sent to Respawn.

"So, Doc," the Sniper said nonchalantly, "wot was that about framing me, again?"

* * *

I wrote this in like an hour and Word Counter/FFN/my writing software all say it's a different amount of words. Also the name doesn't fit, like, at all, but names are hard so I just settled. Oh well, thanks for reading!


End file.
